Vans

Chet’s Xmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa List

SantaBigfoot

Although I abstain from subscribing to one holiday over any other (I espouse multi-denominational inclusiveness in order to boost sales of my forthcoming memoir, Beautiful On The Outside), that is no reason I should be left out of the merry-making, is it? Do a good deed this holiday season and gift a sasquatch. My Most Wanted List proceeds as follows:

  • A typewriter, so that everyone can hear me when I create perfect sentences like this one
  • Homer’s Iliad, because I am basically the spitting image of Odysseus
  • New Vans size 27
  • An E-reader, so I can ask him or her how in the world 50 Shades of Gray ever became popular
  • Book contract
  • Sequel to first book contract
  • A Santa costume so I can scare – pardon me, entertain – people at the Union Square holiday market
  • Camoflage reading lamp
  • Ointment for my ghostwriter as I seem to be giving him hives
  • 472 lbs of bbq ribs
  • General adulation

Gift certificates and declarations of adulation may be forwarded to chetsasquatch@humanoid.net

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Lo! I Become A Twitterite – @City_Sasquatch

Reasons I just joined Twitter:

  • Regular updates from the National Park Service
  • Access to constant stream of quotes from Lorin Stein #callme
  • Deals from Vans, Armani, and my friends the tailors at Frank’s Big & Tall
  • Schedule of controlled burns in Pacific Northwest; forest fire arcana; etc
  • Invaluable intelligence on the activity of government poachers and sasquatch conspiracy theorists #onestepaheadofyou
  • “street cred”

Follow me, yours truly – @City_Sasquatch