One of the greatest radio personalities of all time, Jonathan Schwartz of New York City’s NPR affiliate, made an interesting reference on the air this weekend. He mentioned a recent book review in the New York Times by Michiko Kakutani. In fact, he mentioned it several times, in between long pauses during which I assumed he had fallen asleep. To my satisfaction, Msr. Schwartz was not losing consciousness, but rather reveling in the rich subtext of the article, which ostensibly reviewed a book on Adolf Hitler’s rise to power titled Hitler: Ascent.
The author’s neat bullet points bring out salient elements of the dictator’s personality, including his narcissism, opportunism, effective public speaking skills, ability to appeal directly to his audience’s emotions, grim worldview, and perhaps most strikingly, his apparent failure to “recognize the difference between lies and truth.” These points stand out so starkly, given this country’s current political climate, that I had to lean back in my alpaca hide-lined antique rocking chair and adjust my monocle pensively to consider the ramifications of the piece. What to make of it? Is there any current political figure to whom the author might be attempting to compare the Nazi dictator?
Anyone at all?
It’s on the tip of my tongue. I will be sure to notify you when it materializes. If you think of it before me, do tweet it to me @City_Sasquatch.
Hello, everyone. My name is Chet the Sasquatch, and I am running for president. I would also like to take this opportunity to inform you that I have defecated in the bushes.
Forgive me. Have I offended you? No, not with the latter declaration, but the former. I apologize. Presidential election season is a truly nasty business. I understand why it might crinkle the more discerning noses among us. But, having noted the tenor of political discourse in this country today, I thought I could boost my faltering campaign by taking the moral high ground and appealing to the highest common denominator. As I mentioned earlier, I have recently defecated in the bushes.
It was quite satisfying.
Furthermore, I am confident that this recent accomplishment – my vibrant, sonorous flatulence followed by my desperate sprint for that boxwood hedge over there, yes, the one with with plenty of shade underneath – makes me more qualified than at least half of the candidates now in the running for President of the United States.
And I am sure you will agree. Do I have your vote this November? Notify me of your adoration @City_Sasquatch. My campaign continues!
…from 0.0001 to 0.0003!
There is no confirmation of the rumor going around that this bump in the polls stems from my name recognition demonstrated by a squirrel. For the record, I deny all allegations that I am a “flash in the pan,” “painfully unqualified,” or “a big, scary monster.”
The numbers don’t lie, ladies and gentlemen. Another reason for my surge in popularity might derive from a certain Msr. Donald Trump’s overexposure in the national media. This doesn’t matter to me in the least, as I don’t pander to competing candidates’ uninformed policies or declarations. As you all know, I am running based on my record – which consists almost entirely of evading intrepid nature photographers, scaring deer, and writing 1,143 drafts of my upcoming memoir, Beautiful On The Outside.
I’d like to thank my stalwart running mate, a seagull, for his unflagging support during this roller coaster of a campaign. Onward!
“Fiction writing is great. You can make almost anything up.”
An edifying sentiment from a cultural leader.