Hello, everyone. My name is Chet the Sasquatch, and I am running for president. I would also like to take this opportunity to inform you that I have defecated in the bushes.
Forgive me. Have I offended you? No, not with the latter declaration, but the former. I apologize. Presidential election season is a truly nasty business. I understand why it might crinkle the more discerning noses among us. But, having noted the tenor of political discourse in this country today, I thought I could boost my faltering campaign by taking the moral high ground and appealing to the highest common denominator. As I mentioned earlier, I have recently defecated in the bushes.
It was quite satisfying.
Furthermore, I am confident that this recent accomplishment – my vibrant, sonorous flatulence followed by my desperate sprint for that boxwood hedge over there, yes, the one with with plenty of shade underneath – makes me more qualified than at least half of the candidates now in the running for President of the United States.