It’s time I reward all you loyal humans for reading this, my special tome of curiosities. Due to recent meteorological events (#blizzardof2015, #snowmageddon, #snowrapture, etc), I thought it prudent to offer some helpful advice tailored to the weather. If you should find yourself engaged in a snowball melee with a sasquatch, aim for the following vulnerabilities:
1. The inside of his elbow.
2. His ascot.
A ruffling of the ascot is one of the most heinous indignities. The last time mine was disturbed I lost sleep. (Not for the faint of heart.)
3. His ego.
His most prized possession. Dare to strike it at your own risk.
And so, delightful reader, use this information responsibly. Should I run into you in some snowy alley at the stroke of midnight, please, exercise restraint. Remember who provided you with this invaluable information.
Forgive me, woodland deities and pantheistic spirits, for distributing such long-guarded secrets.