NYC Squirrels Launch Coup

Last week the Village Voice brought attention to a curious development in the realm of NYC’s fauna. I refer to the striking breed of voracious squirrels inhabiting the area surrounding City Hall, only a few blocks from the Fulton Street subway hub. What makes these politically-inclined squirrels any different from our other furry friends, you may ask? Their “jet-black” pelts. Jon Campbell at the Voice goes as far as to call them “good-looking” little animals.

Well, I couldn’t agree more. Squirrels are among the few stalwart companions of both humans and sasquatches. My Cousin Earl and I don’t have the same relationship with canines and felines as you people do. That’s quite all right with us. Squirrels are much more interesting, anyway.Eastern_Grey_Squirrel-melanism

The question is, why are these handsome devils hanging about City Hall, of all places?

Campbell manages to slip in an admirable shot at Canadian wildlife before suggesting that, being circumscribed on all sides by an unforgiving urban jungle, City Hall Park serves as something of an isolated gene pool for the attractive creatures, thereby preserving their distinctive coal-black pelts.

Sure, that’s plausible. But I wonder if there’s something more nefarious at play here. Do you realize how many of these miniature rascals surround the seat of city government itself? Does Mayor De Blasio know about the troubling developments in the natural denizens of the park directly outside his office window? I dare say not.

We may have a coup on our hands, ladies and gentleman. The most sinister coup of our lifetimes. There is no concrete evidence at this stage, mind you. But let us remain ever vigilant. I’ve spent too much time around these creatures to let this go unmonitored. I shall be sure to update you all with developments as they occur.


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