Be David Schwimmer’s Neighbor For $900k

Lower manhattan skyline sunsetI have it on a dubious source – has anyone heard of the New York Post? – that, “according to stats from Sam Miller,” the median price for an apartment on the Lower East Side and/or East Village of Manhattan is now worth $908,242 in American dollars. That’s an increase of about 40 percent over the median price there two years ago (it seems my arithmetic is still just as sharp as it was when I first studied long division under the tutelage of the Olympic Peninsula’s own beastmaster, Mick Dodge).

That may seem like an audacious sum, but, after further computations, I estimate that the median price would skyrocket by 3000% if I were move to the neighborhood. Let’s say, to a walk-up on the corner of East 4th Street and 2nd Avenue. The LES is already home to a smattering of celebrated pop culture figures such as John Legend, Chloe Sevigny, David Schwimmer, Mary Kate Olsen, and Lady Gaga. Just imagine how much value would be added by the presence of a shockingly-handsome biped in size 42 Vans.

On second thought, you’re right. I might not stand out too much after all.

I would be as happy in a walk-up on East 4th Street as I would in a penthouse atop Ian Schrager’s up-and-coming luxury building at 215 Chrystie Street, (estimated price tag of $18.5 million). Home is where the pine is, as I always say, and I wake up every morning smelling like a green Ponderosa sapling.

NB – My earlier prediction of a 3000% increase in median property values is dependent upon the publication of my manuscript, Beautiful On The Outside. Random House, do get in touch at your earliest convenience. Contact me at chetsasquatch@humanoid.net

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